So surreal...

Lately I find myself in an odd position. The angel-versary date of when lost Riley is looming ever so close, in fact its under a week away now. At the same time that we reflect on his loss I am looking forward to a new baby who could be here as early as a month later. Its so surreal to be remembering our loss one year ago and yet feel a new little one moving within me. I can't quite put into words the emotions I am feeling right now. Both sadness and excitement fill me at the same time. I find myself recalling our hello-goodbye day and tears will fall... then I see the crib, or the baby clothes I am sorting, or basically anything baby related and I feel hope for this little one. How can one feel such conflicting emotions at the same time? How is it possible to mourn a loss so deeply and yet still feel such joy and anticipation? I find this truly odd. The capacity of the human Psyche is an amazingly complicated thing....

I love you Riley, and I miss you so!

25 weeks pregnant

So, its been 25 weeks since we got pregnant. Things are going great for baby. All tests are giving us every reason to believe this baby is healthy. We have learned that we are having another boy, Eli.

Its been a rocky 6 months, but not because of problem- emotionally. I spent the first few months insanely worried that Eli would leave us like Riley did. As 17 weeks rolled around I found myself thinking that we lost Riley at that point... I used my doppler every time I turned around just to make sure baby was still with us. At 20 weeks I was consumed with the knowledge that Riley was born during my 20th week, and that he never made it to 21 weeks. Reaching the 21 week mark was bitter sweet. I was depressed about losing Riley, and yet so relieved that Eli was still going strong. As uncomfortable as pregnancy can be sometimes, I cherish everyday knowing its yet another day with this baby that we never got to enjoy with Riley. Every kick and tumble Eli makes is cherished because I know, first hand, that every single one is a gift that could be taken away at any minute. I am finally starting to settle into this pregnancy and beginning to believe we might actually get to hear that beautiful first cry in a few months. I am so anxious for June to get here so that I can hold him and know he is okay, that he made it.

I love you Riley, forever and always. Please look after your brother and bring him here safe and sound.

Just weeks following what turned out to be a very painful day (closer to a week or more actually) of remembrance, and feeling all the pain brand new on Riley's EDD, we have learned that we have something to hope for. Despite our long journey to conceive Riley, we conceived fairly quickly. Now all we can do is wait and hope that this pregnancy ends in a healthy, screaming baby.

Its scary, but an exciting time as well. While I want to enter this pregnancy with all the hope and dreams I did with my first two, I look at this pregnancy with tainted eyes. I can't see this pregnancy the same way I saw my other 2. I know only too well how wrong things can go, so we are treading lightly. Yesterday we went for blood work and my husband said to my 3 year old "Do you want an baby bubby or a baby sissy?" I had to stop him right there. I can't let myself things about that right now and I can't let my 3 year old get dragged into what could end up being another loss. I am taking one day at a time. Always hoping that things will work out, but at the same time knowing there is a real chance things could go horribly wrong again. I am hoping the my blood work result may ease some of my fears, for the moment at least. My HPT this morning is lighter than yesterday's so right now I am a basket-case with worry. I will try to keep this updated for anybody who is reading it.

Please keep this baby in your thoughts and prayers.

T-minus 2 weeks

About two weeks from today's date is when I was supposed to due. If he was still with us we would be counting the days, putting final touches on the nursery, and readying or son for becoming a big brother soon. September was supposed to be a month of excitement, and hello's instead its just another month just as every other month since we lost him. We should be packing our hospital bag with tiny cloths that make you ooo and ahhh and instead we are cleaning his urn and tending to his memorial garden.

Part of me can't wait until this year is over. 2009 has held little more than pain and disappointments for us, offered little more than empty arms and has been the worst year of our lives. January can't come soon enough.

I have been trying to think of something special we can do on Sept 13th to make it special, albeit no as special as we had hoped. Perhaps a tattoo, or the beginning of a family tradition. I am not yet sure what we will be but we will find something.

Dreaming of you

The other night I had a dream. Alot of what I am about to say is pure speculation as to what it means but its brought me alot of peace, at least for the moment.

In my dream I was holding a baby girl smiling, giggling, a very happy baby girl. At least I assume it was a girl, I had a sense it was a girl during my dream but I didn't exactly change a diaper or anything lol. As I am holding her I look over and on a soft fuzzy blanket laid another baby, a boy. They were very close in age but not twins. The boy seemed to be a few months older than the little girl. I remember knowing I couldn't hold the boy, which I consider to be Riley, but I wasn't upset by that I just kind of had this awareness that even though I couldn't hold him that I knew he was there and okay.

I continued to hold the baby girl for the rest of the dream but the focus of the dream from that point was the baby boy. I honestly can't recall exact features about the baby girl, but the image of the baby boy is ingrained in my mind. He had lightish brown hair just like my oldest did but his was not quite as thick as his was. His eyes were light colored, but I was too far away from him to know exactly what color but I remember thinking they were beautiful. He was a chubby baby, just like I have always wanted. My oldest came out tall and thin but I have always thought babies with "rolls" were absolutely adorable. Boy did he have rolls! Two little rolls on each thigh and his cheeks were so chubby that I couldn't help but want to squeeze them, lol. He was not smiling and giggling, nor crying and unhappy. He was just very content. Sitting, propped by the fuzzy blanket, ever so content watching me hold the baby girl.

I remember just a feeling that, like I said, I couldn't hold him but that he was with me and he was ok. I don't know if it was my subconscious trying to send me a message, or Riley.. I am still not sure what I believe, but either way I was just overcome with peace. I wish I could dream that dream every night. I would have loved to hold him in the dream but while dreaming I was content to just look at him, and watch him. I was completely at peace about him for the first time since we lost him. It was beautiful!

Missing you

I miss the little things about being pregnant with him. I miss looking forward to bringing him home. I just miss HIM in general. I find myself singing to him, thinking about him, talking to him. Every single day I think of him, some days in fond memories some in painful ones. Some days I will think of him and get mad, thinking "I don't WANT to think about him, I WANT to still be pregnant!!". Still feel him moving within me. Still looking forward to the day we'd bring him home. To still have that feeling of hope for his future. Yet Riley was dealt a fatal hand and there is no future to hope for him. Sometimes I feel like my hopes and dreams died with him. Sometimes I know that it was only my dreams for him that died that day. I still find myself wondering what he would have looked like. Who he would have resembled. Wondering if he would have been a sports fan like his daddy or a book worm homebody like his mommy. All this questions I still ask and still have no answers for and sadly I never will.

Live on little Riley

Riley,
Only for a time you joined us
Oh those sweetest days and nights
How little time you lingered
Your future looked so bright

I remember only a few things
about your time with me
Memories I'll treasure
until you again I see

The way you used to snuggle
In Mommy's cozy womb
I never would have guess or known
It'd also be your tomb

I wasn't ready for you to leave me
I wanted to keep you for always
I wanted to watch you grow and play
and hold you all my days

Sometimes I wonder why you left me
but in the end I know its true
you didn't want to leave
its just something you had to do

Sweet little angel boy
My dearest little Riley
In my heart you'll live on
as long as my heart beats inside me

So don't you worry my baby boy
Although we've said goodbye
You'll live on for many years
and you'll never truly die.

Love,
Mommy

1 month 3 weeks since we said goodbye.

My heart still aches to have him back, and probably always will, but its getting better. I feel like this: I don't know what Riley endured to stay with us as long as he did. Yeah, some say that babies with his condition feel no pain, but there are also other who discount that claim. Honestly, we may never know the truth of it. In the end he very well may have felt everything that was happening to him, and although the thought of him in any pain hurts my heart to no end it also brings with it a sense that he loved us just as much as we loved him for him to have fought to stay with us as long as he did. That thought is oddly comforting, somehow.

After much soul searching DH and I feel we are ready to travel the road to another child. We do not wish to replace Riley, rather to have the playmate that we originally set out to have for my oldest as well as to have a child we can hold and love and watch grow with all the hopes and dreams that come with that. Its going to be a hard and stressful pregnancy, we are not naive enough to think it won't. The innocence of pregnancy is gone for us. We now know, first hand, how horribly wrong things really can go. We are no longer certain that this road we are beginning to travel once more will end with a healthy baby to cherish and love. We are only certain that we must travel this road to learn the outcome. That the road will be a bumpy one and may possibly end abruptly, as did the last one did, but that without hope that we will reach our destination we are allowing fear to rule us and in a way, I feel, doing a disservice to Riley's memory. Not everyone feels this way. Just as a man may never remarry once his spouse passes, out of love and reverence for the relationship they shared. While I believe that is a noble and loving gesture to a deceased loved one, I also believe it is not the only way, or should I say the only right way. I feel that if that man had chosen to remarry that it didn't mean he loved his dearly departed wife any less, only that he chose to move forward in the knowledge that his wife would want him to be happy. This is the way I feel in regards to trying again after Riley. Riley will always have a special place in my heart. He is my child and whether I can see or touch him or not I feel that a part of him will be with me the rest of my days. He is forever perfect, forever in my heart and mind, forever missed and forever loved.

Postpartum visit and test results.

Well, today was my postpartum appt. I attempted to record it so I wouldn't forget anything but, just my luck, the batteries died shortly after I started taping. So I may miss something but this was the gist:

First of all the test results were in. There wasn't alot they could tell during the autopsy due to extensive maceration (breakdown of tissues due to extended exposure to moisture), autolysis (essentially self-digestion), and liquification of tissues (I know its rather graphic, sorry). The genetic testing came back normal. However, chromosomal testing could not be done due to "the sample" being compromised and failing to produce metaphase cells (a stage of mitosis- contains condensed chromosomes containing genetic information) for analysis. I knew this was possible since I read something that said there was a window after death that the cells need to be collected and grown, and we missed the window. Riley's placenta and membranes were inflamed but the doctor says its most likely due to the window of time between death and delivery. The only result I can't figure out, and didn't get to ask the doctor about is the result of my parvovirus b19 test which had a rather high level (0.0-0.8 is the norm, my result was 5.7)... but I don't have ANY symptoms and I would think in the last month SOMETHING would have shown.

Now that I have the test results out of the way, I asked alot of questions. He said that he can't say 100% that Riley had anencephaly given his gestational age but that the signs fit so he is going to treat me as if he did. I mentioned the appearance on most anencephaly babies and how they differed from Riley's and he said that the difference is most likely due to gestational age as well. I asked what the extent of Riley's Anen was. He said it was pretty extensive and that all he had was a brain stem. I mentioned that I had found online that anencephaly can be caused by excess androgens and that I was concerned that it was caused by me having PCOS, but he said that women with PCOS very rarely, if ever, have androgens high enough to cause something like this and that I had nothing to worry about. I asked what the minimum time we needed to wait to try again and he said that he generally recommends that couples wait until after the first postpartum period and I said well "that could be a year or two for me! *laughs*" so if I haven't had a postpartum period withing the next 8 weeks I am supposed to come in to get something to induce AF. I asked how my next pregnancy would differ from Riley's, care wise and he said that it wouldn't differ all that much. He said other than taking the higher 4mg dose of folic acid that they would probably do an ultrasound at 16 weeks next time instead of waiting for the 20 week one and then doing the 20 week as well. He said that between the 16 week and 20 week ultrasound, if there is a problem that it should be recognizable by then and if nothing is seen by the 20 week ultrasound that he believes we would be in the clear as far as neural tube defects. I can already say that is going to be the longest 20 weeks of my life! I also asked about the testing I had read about online called 'alpha-fetoprotien' (AFP) and he said that they take it a step further and order a similar blood test that measures not only AFP but also 4 other markers that test for chomosomal abnormaities like downs syndrome. I said I deffinitely wanted to get that test next time, if only to give me a heads-up. This time I was blindsided and I don't want to be again. I asked if, given Riley's condition, the risk of an amniocentesis would be warranted and he said no. He did my exam and said that everything was exactly where and how it should be then we continued talking. I said that I understood that many Anen babies died inutero but that I was wondering why his heart was beating so strong one week and literally the next he was gone. He said that there are varying degrees of Anen and the extensive nature of Riley's Anen lead him to believe that there was most likely a heart problem as well and that may have been "the final nail" as they say. However, the autopsy report says "examination of the heart is not possible due to extensive maceration" so I guess we will never know for sure.

Again, I may have asked more questions but I can't remember anymore. BUT there is some humor in all this. If you remember from my post about Riley's delivery I mentioned that the on-call doc (my docs partner) who delivered Riley kept "praising", for lack of a better word, how well I was pushing and my focus and whatnot and he had said he was going to tell my doctor how well I did. Honestly, I didn't expect him to. I mean they have soooo many patients and DH and I were just one couple. I honestly didn't expect him to remember. However, after my exam my doctor backs his seat up and says "by the way, Dr. B talked to me and he really had quite a bit to say on how well you did on pushing, and that he believes you would make an excellent candidate to VBAC again in the future. So, we will definitely have to talk about that again in the future." I couldn't help but blush and giggle. Partially because its nice to be told I CAN do it when my previous doc only ever told me I couldn't so its kinda like a "I told you so" moment, partially because I tend to get embarrassed when people 'praise', again for a lack of better word, me, but more so because I was kinda surprised at the way he really was gung-ho about making sure my doctor knew how well I did.

So depressed today, my body killed my baby...

In my ongoing quest to learn more about Anen I was doing a general search on conditions that affect brain development in unborn babies and stumbled across this:

"Environmental hazards

Exposure to household chemicals or other toxins in the environment may also contribute to impairment of the central nervous system of a fetus. In 1994 and 1995, a greater than expected number of infants along the Rio Grande in Texas and Mexico were born with anencephaly. While the exact cause was not found, it is suspected that pollution in the environment was involved. It is probably wise for pregnant women to avoid pesticides (such as weed killers) and insecticides. Some household cleaning chemicals contain substances that are teratogens and these should be avoided also."
http://www.humanill nesses.com/ Behavioral- Health-A- Br/Birth- Defects-and- Brain-Developmen t.html

I did a search on teratogens and found a website (http://www. medterms. com/script/ main/art. asp?articlekey= 11315) that names androgens as a teratogen. This caught my attention since I have PCOS and it essentially puts a woman's hormones into chaos. So I did a search on "androgens and PCOS" and found a website (http://www. healthywomen. org/healthtopics /androgen) that says:

"Excess amounts of androgens can pose a problem, resulting in such "virilizing effects" as acne, hirsutism (excess hair growth in "inappropriate" places, like the chin or upper lip) and thinning hair. "

I have had adult acne for years as well chin hair since a few months after I got pregnant with my oldest...

After doing a search on the effects of PCOS in Anen, I found an unrelated website (http://www. ovarian-cysts- pcos.com/ news78.html# sec2) that says:

"And since so many of you are taking metformin (Glucophage) to treat your PCOS, we decided to re-explore the possible relationship between metformin and B12 problems.

Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be much interest in how vitamin B12 is affected by metformin, since there isn't much published research on this topic. But the research that exists indicates that people who take metformin have diminished B12 absorption and lower B12 levels.

To the extent that metformin makes it more difficult to absorb vitamin B12 from your food and reduces your vitamin B12 levels, you could develop a problem since B12 is so important for many functions in your body, including the creation of a healthy baby.

If you're on metformin therapy, consider supplemental vitamin B12. This would be especially appropriate if you are a vegetarian, since most dietary B12 comes from animal products. "

So, long story short add the excess androgens thanks to PCOS with the Metformin I was taking to treat my PCOS and Riley didn't have a chance... and I don't think any other child I have will have a chance either unless I get control of my PCOS (without metformin) and that's not possible...

'Life sucks' doesn't come close to explaining what I am feeling right now. I need to stop reading stuff. I just keep coming back to 'I*thought* I was doing everything right' but I guess it was out of my hands. Its so depressing.