My heart still aches to have him back, and probably always will, but its getting better. I feel like this: I don't know what Riley endured to stay with us as long as he did. Yeah, some say that babies with his condition feel no pain, but there are also other who discount that claim. Honestly, we may never know the truth of it. In the end he very well may have felt everything that was happening to him, and although the thought of him in any pain hurts my heart to no end it also brings with it a sense that he loved us just as much as we loved him for him to have fought to stay with us as long as he did. That thought is oddly comforting, somehow.
After much soul searching DH and I feel we are ready to travel the road to another child. We do not wish to replace Riley, rather to have the playmate that we originally set out to have for my oldest as well as to have a child we can hold and love and watch grow with all the hopes and dreams that come with that. Its going to be a hard and stressful pregnancy, we are not naive enough to think it won't. The innocence of pregnancy is gone for us. We now know, first hand, how horribly wrong things really can go. We are no longer certain that this road we are beginning to travel once more will end with a healthy baby to cherish and love. We are only certain that we must travel this road to learn the outcome. That the road will be a bumpy one and may possibly end abruptly, as did the last one did, but that without hope that we will reach our destination we are allowing fear to rule us and in a way, I feel, doing a disservice to Riley's memory. Not everyone feels this way. Just as a man may never remarry once his spouse passes, out of love and reverence for the relationship they shared. While I believe that is a noble and loving gesture to a deceased loved one, I also believe it is not the only way, or should I say the only right way. I feel that if that man had chosen to remarry that it didn't mean he loved his dearly departed wife any less, only that he chose to move forward in the knowledge that his wife would want him to be happy. This is the way I feel in regards to trying again after Riley. Riley will always have a special place in my heart. He is my child and whether I can see or touch him or not I feel that a part of him will be with me the rest of my days. He is forever perfect, forever in my heart and mind, forever missed and forever loved.