Monday, April 26, 2010

So surreal...

Lately I find myself in an odd position. The angel-versary date of when lost Riley is looming ever so close, in fact its under a week away now. At the same time that we reflect on his loss I am looking forward to a new baby who could be here as early as a month later. Its so surreal to be remembering our loss one year ago and yet feel a new little one moving within me. I can't quite put into words the emotions I am feeling right now. Both sadness and excitement fill me at the same time. I find myself recalling our hello-goodbye day and tears will fall... then I see the crib, or the baby clothes I am sorting, or basically anything baby related and I feel hope for this little one. How can one feel such conflicting emotions at the same time? How is it possible to mourn a loss so deeply and yet still feel such joy and anticipation? I find this truly odd. The capacity of the human Psyche is an amazingly complicated thing....

I love you Riley, and I miss you so!

Friday, March 5, 2010

25 weeks pregnant

So, its been 25 weeks since we got pregnant. Things are going great for baby. All tests are giving us every reason to believe this baby is healthy. We have learned that we are having another boy, Eli.

Its been a rocky 6 months, but not because of problem- emotionally. I spent the first few months insanely worried that Eli would leave us like Riley did. As 17 weeks rolled around I found myself thinking that we lost Riley at that point... I used my doppler every time I turned around just to make sure baby was still with us. At 20 weeks I was consumed with the knowledge that Riley was born during my 20th week, and that he never made it to 21 weeks. Reaching the 21 week mark was bitter sweet. I was depressed about losing Riley, and yet so relieved that Eli was still going strong. As uncomfortable as pregnancy can be sometimes, I cherish everyday knowing its yet another day with this baby that we never got to enjoy with Riley. Every kick and tumble Eli makes is cherished because I know, first hand, that every single one is a gift that could be taken away at any minute. I am finally starting to settle into this pregnancy and beginning to believe we might actually get to hear that beautiful first cry in a few months. I am so anxious for June to get here so that I can hold him and know he is okay, that he made it.

I love you Riley, forever and always. Please look after your brother and bring him here safe and sound.