Monday, August 31, 2009

T-minus 2 weeks

About two weeks from today's date is when I was supposed to due. If he was still with us we would be counting the days, putting final touches on the nursery, and readying or son for becoming a big brother soon. September was supposed to be a month of excitement, and hello's instead its just another month just as every other month since we lost him. We should be packing our hospital bag with tiny cloths that make you ooo and ahhh and instead we are cleaning his urn and tending to his memorial garden.

Part of me can't wait until this year is over. 2009 has held little more than pain and disappointments for us, offered little more than empty arms and has been the worst year of our lives. January can't come soon enough.

I have been trying to think of something special we can do on Sept 13th to make it special, albeit no as special as we had hoped. Perhaps a tattoo, or the beginning of a family tradition. I am not yet sure what we will be but we will find something.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Dreaming of you

The other night I had a dream. Alot of what I am about to say is pure speculation as to what it means but its brought me alot of peace, at least for the moment.

In my dream I was holding a baby girl smiling, giggling, a very happy baby girl. At least I assume it was a girl, I had a sense it was a girl during my dream but I didn't exactly change a diaper or anything lol. As I am holding her I look over and on a soft fuzzy blanket laid another baby, a boy. They were very close in age but not twins. The boy seemed to be a few months older than the little girl. I remember knowing I couldn't hold the boy, which I consider to be Riley, but I wasn't upset by that I just kind of had this awareness that even though I couldn't hold him that I knew he was there and okay.

I continued to hold the baby girl for the rest of the dream but the focus of the dream from that point was the baby boy. I honestly can't recall exact features about the baby girl, but the image of the baby boy is ingrained in my mind. He had lightish brown hair just like my oldest did but his was not quite as thick as his was. His eyes were light colored, but I was too far away from him to know exactly what color but I remember thinking they were beautiful. He was a chubby baby, just like I have always wanted. My oldest came out tall and thin but I have always thought babies with "rolls" were absolutely adorable. Boy did he have rolls! Two little rolls on each thigh and his cheeks were so chubby that I couldn't help but want to squeeze them, lol. He was not smiling and giggling, nor crying and unhappy. He was just very content. Sitting, propped by the fuzzy blanket, ever so content watching me hold the baby girl.

I remember just a feeling that, like I said, I couldn't hold him but that he was with me and he was ok. I don't know if it was my subconscious trying to send me a message, or Riley.. I am still not sure what I believe, but either way I was just overcome with peace. I wish I could dream that dream every night. I would have loved to hold him in the dream but while dreaming I was content to just look at him, and watch him. I was completely at peace about him for the first time since we lost him. It was beautiful!