Friday, May 22, 2009

Random thoughts.

A week from today is my postpartum visit. During this visit I am, hopefully, supposed to get the results of all the genetic testing on me and chromosomal testing on Riley. I am kinda scared to hear it all. I have done some reading online and know that Anen has a genetic component, however they are not sure how much of an effect genetics have on it (they are not sure on very much *sigh*). I am scared that they will find something that will mean Riley won't be my only angel baby. My mom was pregnant 8 times (total of 9 babies) and all became angels, except me. They never did ANY testing on her, they just blamed it on her Endometriosis. This has long been a fear that I would follow in her shoes and so far it has been the case (2 pgs, only my first one living). So, I am honestly scared to death to get the results. Normally when I know I am expecting results from the doc I am calling every few days but once I got the Anen results I quit calling for fear of what I might hear next. I am scared of what I might hear but at the same time I don't want to be blindsided like last time.

Also, I know logically that Anen is fatal, period. There is nothing I could have done to save Riley, but a nagging part of me wonders why he passed so soon. It really would have been nice to have been Dx and have time to brace ourselves b4 he passed, but more so I can't help but wonder if *I* did something (I am not really sure what but I still wonder) that made him pass so soon. I don't know why I am thinking this way but I am. I feel like what VERY little time we would have had to begin with was cut even shorter. Everyone keeps telling me that if I had to lose him that it was better to lose him when I did than to lose him later but I am not sure I agree. I really wish he could has made it to term and was born living even if only for a few minutes so I could have told him I loved him and look into his beautiful eyes at least once b4 he passed. I feel like I was denied so much by losing him so soon, like a chance for a REAL goodbye. Anyway, I look online and see Anen babies that made it so much farther than Riley did. I don't understand why he didn't make it as far as the others. I mean my body was providing him oxygen and just a week b4 they say he passed he had such a strong heartbeat, what could have happened in a week? Part of me keeps trying to think what I did in that week that could have made him go downhill so fast. Maybe one of the meds the doc told me was safe wasn't safe for an Anen baby? I don't think anyone can answer these questions but they are questions that are weighing heavy on my heart.

Ok, now that I am bawling my eyes out (yet again) I think I will stop here. I am not a crier but the past 3 weeks I haven't been able to stop it seems like. :'( It seems like so much triggers the waterfall. Crying myself to sleep seems to be the norm lately.

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