Sunday, May 17, 2009

I am kinda conflicted as far as talking to ppl about what happened. On one hand I want to keep Riley's memory alive so I will say something about him or my preg with him and suddenly everyone expression changes and I start getting pity looks and "I'm sorry"s, but at the same time when someone walks up to me and say something I kinda hurry the convo. Mostly because when other ppl mention it its always "How are you doing?" which is an innocent, well-meaning question but it urks me. I mean HOW do you answer that? If I am in a good mood and say "good" I get looks as if they are thinking "you just lost your baby, how can you be 'good'?". If I say "ok" I get the pity looks, and with a very honest "it depends on the time you ask me" I get more pitty looks. I don't dare tell ppl how I am REALLY feeling sometimes because its kinda one of those 'ok I didn't need to know all that' situations. I mean, honestly, at times I am PISSED! At times I feel like saying "I'm wishing I was a crack whore, maybe then I'd still have my baby!" I mean how many crack addicts are out there shooting up while pg and there babies will be born just fine. I did EVERYTHING right, I watched what I did, took my prenatals and an additional folic acid supplement- everything I was supposed to. But in the end I lost him. How does that even come close to fair? You know? It just sucks in general, but we are *trying* to move on with our lives, for RA if nothing else but the pity looks and 'I'm sorry's don't help. I realize there is nothing to say in this situations but I don't know, its just hard to have a constant reminder of a very fresh pain. Maybe some of you know what I mean, maybe you don't, but for me its how it is.

DH is about the same from what I can tell. I can't read his mind or know his feelings but I know he is still hurting but still trying to move on. Every night after we lay down we have a ritual of sorts. I tell DH I love him, he says he loves me to, we both tell RA we love him and he tells us he loves us too and then I hear DH say "I love you, Riley!". We are going through it differently but I don't feel at all like he doesn't care and I have heard some women say that they do after something like this. Its really nice to feel like we are in this together instead of feeling as though I am alone in my feelings.

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