Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It still doesn't feel real sometimes.

2 weeks 3 days since we said goodbye to our precious Riley and sometimes it still doesn't feel real to me. I slid on something today and nearly fell, instead of trying to stabilize myself my first thought was to protect my stomach. Then, in the next moment the horrible realization- I'm not pregnant anymore. I kinda feel like, if I am not pregnant than where is my newborn at? I know that makes NO sense but it really hard to swallow the fact that I WAS pregnant but now I am not, I WAS expecting a baby but I don't have one.

When you get pregnant you never expect this kind of thing to happen to you. You expect 9 months of planning and prepping dusted with morning sickness and sprinkled with stretch marks, followed by your miracle being born and taking him/her home and staring into those beautiful eyes. Fussing over every baby noise and giggling at everything they do. Yet to get pregnant and expect all those things then to have all our hopes and dreams for that child dashed in a moment's time, its just so hard to wrap your mind around. Logically, I know that Riley is gone and I am not pregnant anymore but there are moments. Sad, horrible moments when for a split second I forget that it happened only to remember the pain a second later. I have never felt anything like this before, I just wish I had never had to feel it at all. I wish nobody did.

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