I dream of you

I dream of you playing on heaven's golden floors
and watch you as you play with clouds of white
I dream of you and heaven's children
who paint the stars at night.

I dream of you and smile
though I miss you every day
Because I dream of you in Heaven
where God watches over you and happily you play.

I dream of the day we will meet
on heaven's golden shores
You will say "Welcome Mommy!"
and I will miss you no more.

Nearly 2 years

May 2nd will make 2 years since we said goodbye to Riley. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. While my other children play I wonder what games he might have enjoyed. When I take pictures of our earth angels I wonder what he what he would have looked like. Everyday I miss him. The sting of loss is not what it once was but a dull ache has settled into part of my heart, the part that would have been filled by first smiles, "I love you Mommy"s and the joy of watching him grow up. Milestones and holidays seem to be the worst times. It is most at those times that I am reminded of what we are missing. Presents missing from beneath the Christmas tree (I wrote something this past Christmas that I will post when I find it). A birthday without the party, balloons, cake or the sound of laughter as kids play birthday games. Each major holiday and milestone we are forced to revisit the pain of our loss that it unique from day to day life.

I have been asked why I don't write about my earth angels and the joy they bring me. Simply put, this blog is not about them. I created this blog for two reasons: 1. A place to vent about our loss and the difficulties and, hopefully someday, share what I have leaned from a positive standpoint from the experience. 2. Anencephaly awareness. I may mention them from time to time but this blog isn't and never was about them.

Be blessed.

So surreal...

Lately I find myself in an odd position. The angel-versary date of when lost Riley is looming ever so close, in fact its under a week away now. At the same time that we reflect on his loss I am looking forward to a new baby who could be here as early as a month later. Its so surreal to be remembering our loss one year ago and yet feel a new little one moving within me. I can't quite put into words the emotions I am feeling right now. Both sadness and excitement fill me at the same time. I find myself recalling our hello-goodbye day and tears will fall... then I see the crib, or the baby clothes I am sorting, or basically anything baby related and I feel hope for this little one. How can one feel such conflicting emotions at the same time? How is it possible to mourn a loss so deeply and yet still feel such joy and anticipation? I find this truly odd. The capacity of the human Psyche is an amazingly complicated thing....

I love you Riley, and I miss you so!

25 weeks pregnant

So, its been 25 weeks since we got pregnant. Things are going great for baby. All tests are giving us every reason to believe this baby is healthy. We have learned that we are having another boy, Eli.

Its been a rocky 6 months, but not because of problem- emotionally. I spent the first few months insanely worried that Eli would leave us like Riley did. As 17 weeks rolled around I found myself thinking that we lost Riley at that point... I used my doppler every time I turned around just to make sure baby was still with us. At 20 weeks I was consumed with the knowledge that Riley was born during my 20th week, and that he never made it to 21 weeks. Reaching the 21 week mark was bitter sweet. I was depressed about losing Riley, and yet so relieved that Eli was still going strong. As uncomfortable as pregnancy can be sometimes, I cherish everyday knowing its yet another day with this baby that we never got to enjoy with Riley. Every kick and tumble Eli makes is cherished because I know, first hand, that every single one is a gift that could be taken away at any minute. I am finally starting to settle into this pregnancy and beginning to believe we might actually get to hear that beautiful first cry in a few months. I am so anxious for June to get here so that I can hold him and know he is okay, that he made it.

I love you Riley, forever and always. Please look after your brother and bring him here safe and sound.

Just weeks following what turned out to be a very painful day (closer to a week or more actually) of remembrance, and feeling all the pain brand new on Riley's EDD, we have learned that we have something to hope for. Despite our long journey to conceive Riley, we conceived fairly quickly. Now all we can do is wait and hope that this pregnancy ends in a healthy, screaming baby.

Its scary, but an exciting time as well. While I want to enter this pregnancy with all the hope and dreams I did with my first two, I look at this pregnancy with tainted eyes. I can't see this pregnancy the same way I saw my other 2. I know only too well how wrong things can go, so we are treading lightly. Yesterday we went for blood work and my husband said to my 3 year old "Do you want an baby bubby or a baby sissy?" I had to stop him right there. I can't let myself things about that right now and I can't let my 3 year old get dragged into what could end up being another loss. I am taking one day at a time. Always hoping that things will work out, but at the same time knowing there is a real chance things could go horribly wrong again. I am hoping the my blood work result may ease some of my fears, for the moment at least. My HPT this morning is lighter than yesterday's so right now I am a basket-case with worry. I will try to keep this updated for anybody who is reading it.

Please keep this baby in your thoughts and prayers.

T-minus 2 weeks

About two weeks from today's date is when I was supposed to due. If he was still with us we would be counting the days, putting final touches on the nursery, and readying or son for becoming a big brother soon. September was supposed to be a month of excitement, and hello's instead its just another month just as every other month since we lost him. We should be packing our hospital bag with tiny cloths that make you ooo and ahhh and instead we are cleaning his urn and tending to his memorial garden.

Part of me can't wait until this year is over. 2009 has held little more than pain and disappointments for us, offered little more than empty arms and has been the worst year of our lives. January can't come soon enough.

I have been trying to think of something special we can do on Sept 13th to make it special, albeit no as special as we had hoped. Perhaps a tattoo, or the beginning of a family tradition. I am not yet sure what we will be but we will find something.

Dreaming of you

The other night I had a dream. Alot of what I am about to say is pure speculation as to what it means but its brought me alot of peace, at least for the moment.

In my dream I was holding a baby girl smiling, giggling, a very happy baby girl. At least I assume it was a girl, I had a sense it was a girl during my dream but I didn't exactly change a diaper or anything lol. As I am holding her I look over and on a soft fuzzy blanket laid another baby, a boy. They were very close in age but not twins. The boy seemed to be a few months older than the little girl. I remember knowing I couldn't hold the boy, which I consider to be Riley, but I wasn't upset by that I just kind of had this awareness that even though I couldn't hold him that I knew he was there and okay.

I continued to hold the baby girl for the rest of the dream but the focus of the dream from that point was the baby boy. I honestly can't recall exact features about the baby girl, but the image of the baby boy is ingrained in my mind. He had lightish brown hair just like my oldest did but his was not quite as thick as his was. His eyes were light colored, but I was too far away from him to know exactly what color but I remember thinking they were beautiful. He was a chubby baby, just like I have always wanted. My oldest came out tall and thin but I have always thought babies with "rolls" were absolutely adorable. Boy did he have rolls! Two little rolls on each thigh and his cheeks were so chubby that I couldn't help but want to squeeze them, lol. He was not smiling and giggling, nor crying and unhappy. He was just very content. Sitting, propped by the fuzzy blanket, ever so content watching me hold the baby girl.

I remember just a feeling that, like I said, I couldn't hold him but that he was with me and he was ok. I don't know if it was my subconscious trying to send me a message, or Riley.. I am still not sure what I believe, but either way I was just overcome with peace. I wish I could dream that dream every night. I would have loved to hold him in the dream but while dreaming I was content to just look at him, and watch him. I was completely at peace about him for the first time since we lost him. It was beautiful!

Missing you

I miss the little things about being pregnant with him. I miss looking forward to bringing him home. I just miss HIM in general. I find myself singing to him, thinking about him, talking to him. Every single day I think of him, some days in fond memories some in painful ones. Some days I will think of him and get mad, thinking "I don't WANT to think about him, I WANT to still be pregnant!!". Still feel him moving within me. Still looking forward to the day we'd bring him home. To still have that feeling of hope for his future. Yet Riley was dealt a fatal hand and there is no future to hope for him. Sometimes I feel like my hopes and dreams died with him. Sometimes I know that it was only my dreams for him that died that day. I still find myself wondering what he would have looked like. Who he would have resembled. Wondering if he would have been a sports fan like his daddy or a book worm homebody like his mommy. All this questions I still ask and still have no answers for and sadly I never will.

Live on little Riley

Riley,
Only for a time you joined us
Oh those sweetest days and nights
How little time you lingered
Your future looked so bright

I remember only a few things
about your time with me
Memories I'll treasure
until you again I see

The way you used to snuggle
In Mommy's cozy womb
I never would have guess or known
It'd also be your tomb

I wasn't ready for you to leave me
I wanted to keep you for always
I wanted to watch you grow and play
and hold you all my days

Sometimes I wonder why you left me
but in the end I know its true
you didn't want to leave
its just something you had to do

Sweet little angel boy
My dearest little Riley
In my heart you'll live on
as long as my heart beats inside me

So don't you worry my baby boy
Although we've said goodbye
You'll live on for many years
and you'll never truly die.

Love,
Mommy

1 month 3 weeks since we said goodbye.

My heart still aches to have him back, and probably always will, but its getting better. I feel like this: I don't know what Riley endured to stay with us as long as he did. Yeah, some say that babies with his condition feel no pain, but there are also other who discount that claim. Honestly, we may never know the truth of it. In the end he very well may have felt everything that was happening to him, and although the thought of him in any pain hurts my heart to no end it also brings with it a sense that he loved us just as much as we loved him for him to have fought to stay with us as long as he did. That thought is oddly comforting, somehow.

After much soul searching DH and I feel we are ready to travel the road to another child. We do not wish to replace Riley, rather to have the playmate that we originally set out to have for my oldest as well as to have a child we can hold and love and watch grow with all the hopes and dreams that come with that. Its going to be a hard and stressful pregnancy, we are not naive enough to think it won't. The innocence of pregnancy is gone for us. We now know, first hand, how horribly wrong things really can go. We are no longer certain that this road we are beginning to travel once more will end with a healthy baby to cherish and love. We are only certain that we must travel this road to learn the outcome. That the road will be a bumpy one and may possibly end abruptly, as did the last one did, but that without hope that we will reach our destination we are allowing fear to rule us and in a way, I feel, doing a disservice to Riley's memory. Not everyone feels this way. Just as a man may never remarry once his spouse passes, out of love and reverence for the relationship they shared. While I believe that is a noble and loving gesture to a deceased loved one, I also believe it is not the only way, or should I say the only right way. I feel that if that man had chosen to remarry that it didn't mean he loved his dearly departed wife any less, only that he chose to move forward in the knowledge that his wife would want him to be happy. This is the way I feel in regards to trying again after Riley. Riley will always have a special place in my heart. He is my child and whether I can see or touch him or not I feel that a part of him will be with me the rest of my days. He is forever perfect, forever in my heart and mind, forever missed and forever loved.